Thank you, 2021. Because of you, I gained new understanding that I will carry with me into 2022 and forever. The biggest lesson I learned in 2021 followed the life-altering brain bleed suffered by my mother that has left me without her presence, hugs, voice, certainty and comfort. This single event led me to saying “it’s not fair” for 30-plus days straight (I still find myself resisting the urge to say it now, but I have the urge less and less frequently). This one statement resulted in days, weeks, over a month of anger and frustration because my energy and resentment were so focused on the unfairness of life. I mean, we didn’t get any time to prepare. I didn’t get to hear her voice or talk to her about what to do if she ever was to fall ill. Other people her age were much more unhealthy than she was, yet this had to happen to her? Even her best friend said to her (while she was on her hospital bed, “I always thought I would be in this situation before you.” Clearly my family and I were dealt an unfair hand... and why try to move on when life is unfair anyway?
During my time of grief, my husband would write me daily messages on our whiteboard. On September 15th, he wrote, “Sometimes life isn’t fair. Most of our lives, it has been. The Most High blessed us a ton.” And that got me thinking.
It seemed as though I had a secret belief that life was SUPPOSED to be fair. I found that I actually suffered more because I (subconsciously) expected life to be smooth and painless. Since when is such a thing owed to me/us?
Since when is such a thing owed to me/us?
Although my husband was right when he wrote 'most of our lives it has been' (fair), I’ve had to accept the fact that life can’t always be fair. The world will not work the way I feel it “should” work just because I think it’s what I deserve or because we are good people.
What I’ve learned is that sometimes it’s necessary to simply practice acceptance of what is rather than harboring on what was. With this, I am able to live and love for today. I find myself crying over September 7th less and less, in order to let pain go and focus on the present.
Does this mean I won’t have days where, even for a second, I won’t find myself thinking “this is unfair?” No. But I do know that internal happiness and peace are available to us no matter what happens--we just have to decide to choose them.
And that is the choice I’ve made.
Written with love (and wisdom),
S. S.