Today marks one year that I lost our unborn child. And although a loss, I actually gained something: a revelation about myself and my friends. One would think that losing our baby would be the only thought taking up space in my head—and it was for quite a while—until a realization hit me after a few of my friends were unaware that I had miscarried for longer than they should have been. I realized that, had I not volunteered the information, many of them would not have known because most of them did not, in days/weeks, send me a text or telegram to ask me these three words: how are you? The big realization that I came to? I’m the “strong friend,” aka the person who checks on everyone but doesn’t get checked on. As a result, at a time where I needed to talk, a time that I would think my friends would be there for me as I have always been readily available to them, most were MIA.
My friends know me to be an extremely passive person who finds ways to skirt an issue rather than approaching them directly, however, when I did find the balls to address their absence in my time of need, I’d often hear, “I know you be busy with your husband and kids,” (this seems to be a favorite) “I keep an eye on you through your social media,” and “Everything seemed to be going well for you, I thought you were good!” Hadn’t they ever seen the phrase, “check on your strong friends?” And although they agree with that sentiment, did they intentionally choose to ignore it, or were they truly extremely consumed with life’s daily happenings? Only they can answer that.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not naïve to the fact that life is rough. Some were rebounding from heartbreak, some were trying to make career moves, and some were simply busy. However, one thing I (and they) know is that I am just as busy. The only difference is, despite my busy life, two children, and demanding job, I find a way to show up, or I am always on the opposite end of the phone lending an ear if I cannot show up. After all, lending an ear is free, and checking on a loved one does not require much other than caring to do so. Like I said, had I not volunteered the information about my miscarriage, there’s truly know telling how long some of them would have gone without knowing.
Have I changed a bit since that day, November 5, 2019? A bit. I have been a bit stubborn—mean even. I make the conscious choice to not check on people whom I normally would. Sounds bad, right? Well, to me it is not. After all, friendships should be reciprocal in nature. The problem with that is that we should never change who we are at the account of other people. Don’t change from that loving, caring person who wants to make sure everyone is OK. Instead, embrace those who do!
Focusing on those who do not check on us instead of embracing those who do is a choice, and it isn’t the best one. Occupying your mind with thoughts of people who do reach out to you or directing your energy towards those who do rather than those who do not allows you to embrace and strengthen current friendships and also make rooms for new ones. “No New Friends” could be a missed opportunity. Had I not been so focused on the negative, I would have been able to see it.
